Sunday, 21 December 2014

Why I write

I casually mentioned in a conversation with a new friend the other day, that as one of my many careers I want to have. I really wanted to write fiction. I've been writing, just for fun, for quite a while.
English, especially creative writing were my favourite subjects in High school.
She asked me what drew my to write, as she told me she really struggled to invent characters and write a short story in class.
I more or less told her this quote, which I figured I would make into a bedazzled quote photo. Why not.
Right now in this period of my life, sometimes it truly is hard to keep hope. I've written so many short stories of things I wish would happen it's almost ridiculous, but It keeps me going.
Sometimes I don't understand what my mind is actually thinking until I write it down and read it back to myself.
That's just a little short explanation on why I write and why I like writing.

Hope your having a great weekend,
Infinite x's and o's,


Saturday, 29 November 2014

What would my Dauntless (Divergent) Fears be...?

After absolutely adoring the books and the first movie of the Divergent series, this is a question I often wonder... Just casually.

If I had to pass the fear test, like Tris,Four and all the other dauntless initiates. Would I have many fears? And what would they be? I have a feeling my nickname, if based on the amount of fears like Tobias's (four) Would probably be too long a number to say quickly.
Then again, you might think you're afraid of something, but you may not be. The reverse could also be true.
I guess we will never really know what our fears would be in the "fear simulator" unless someone invents one. Even then, I doubt many people will be flinging up their hand,volunteering themselves to participate.

Instead, I took a dauntless fear test and I got "Fear of open water/ drowning". I'm almost certain that would be included in my portfolio of fears, most likely involving a shark as well. I don't really know where this fear comes from. Except one time when my Uncle and Aunt took me out on their boat and we were swimming in the ocean. Something brushed my foot and I was convinced it was a shark. I still to this day think that's the fastest i've moved in my entire life, diving at a lightening speed back into the boat to escape from the killer shark, which was probably just a rainbow fish.
 I used to also be afraid of baths growing up, I thought a shark would be able to come through the drain. and eat me. Well you never know!

What is your Dauntless fear? Is there a story behind your fear?

Hope your having a fabtastic day,

Infinite x's and o's,


Tuesday, 25 November 2014

Decorated Cakes I've made this year

This year was quite a year for decorated cakes. I usually love to make someone a cake as their birthday present instead of an actual gift. I'm still planning on doing a Christmasy themed one closer to the middle of December, maybe a christmas present box (ideas?). I thought I would share my cakes of 2014  with you all for inspiration and to just keep you up to date.

I made this cake for my brother's birthday. As you can see, he's a Lord of the rings fan. The base is a dark chocolate mud cake, covered in fondant and the piping is buttercream (if I were to do it again I would use royal icing as it is too thick)

This cake is in the shape of a monster hat which I made for a friend who constantly wears this identical hat. It is a white chocolate base, everything else is fondant except the white piping which is royal icing.

 This cake is my birthday cake, I had a neon lights birthday party, So i thought it suited the theme. Is it sad to make your own birthday cake? Pfffft no. The base is a dark chocolate mud cake, covered in black fondant and drizzled over the top is  royal icing coloured with neon food colours.
For my second brother's birthday this year I made him a glock cake, since he is a police officer. He thought it was pretty funny. The base is a chocolate mud cake and the icing is chocolate ganache coloured black (except for the white, which is white chocolate) 
 For a friend who is a Stargate fanatic I made him a Stargate cake. The base is a chocolate mud. The grey icing is butter cream and the details are fondant and royal icing.

This cake is a simple chocolate mud cake and I have just piped on a henna style pattern with royal icing.

Hopefully this inspired you! I hope you're all having a lovely week and good luck in your own cake decorating endeavours! 

Infinite x's and o's


Saturday, 15 November 2014

DIY Tumblr Inspired notebooks

I have a little bit of a confession to make. Actually it's probably not even that big of a secret anymore because If you have read some of my previous posts you'll know i'm slightly addicted to tumblr, and of course by slightly I mean utterly.
There is just something about re-blogging pretty pictures and quotes that's incredibly therapeutic.
I decided to plaster my addiction over some books and take them with me to broadcast it to the world. Though the people that don't have a tumblr or don't know what it is (aka muggles) will be non the wiser.  They will just probably think you like collages of pictures.

These are super easy to make, literally all you need is:
-some notebooks (lined or not lined it's completely up to you)
-spray on adhesive (you can find this from a craft store)
-white A4 thin card
- and access to a computer and a colour printer.

To make the instructions on how to assemble them easier I decided to make a video:

Have fun customising your own Tumblr inspired notebooks and I hope you have an excellent week. If you do end up making some notebooks, make sure to comment, I would love to see your creation.

Infinite x's and o's,


Monday, 10 November 2014

My week in photos

Sometimes what you really need to do in certain points in your life is take a step back.
Take some time to explore a beautiful place, clear everything bad from your heart and head.
That has been my focus this week. 

Spent a day exploring a friends property.
Sometimes when you stop and look around, beautiful things are found

Found a friend

Aslan does this when you point at him. "away with you peasant."
 Aslan - "FOR NARNIA!"
Such a charmer.  Almost looks as if he's holding an imaginary weapon or about to start a jazz dance.

So that is my week in photos. I encourage you to take the time to look around and notice the small beautiful things.

Infinite x's and o's


Tuesday, 28 October 2014

30 day drawing challenge

The last few months I have been pretty slack with drawing and art, which is something I love doing but when I get stressed, the last thing I want to do is draw.
I don't know about you but I have to be "in the mood" to draw, hence why I haven't drawn in a quiet a while.

Although, after months of not drawing or creating anything, I've felt pretty bad and my creative side was screaming.  So, I have decided to do a 30 day drawing challenge.

I searched for quiet some time on pinterest, tumblr and all other places where one would find such a challenge. I found that on some I only liked a few challenges, some were eh and others I didn't like at all, so I decided to make my own and combine all the challenges I liked.

Tomorrow I start with my "self portrait" and I shall be posting more updates as I go through the challenge.
Let me know if you will also be doing this challenge, I would love to see your results! :)

Infinite x's and o's,


Monday, 8 September 2014

Things I would tell my younger self

 Whenever I'm asked the question "If you could change anything in your past, what would it be?" I usually say nothing. The outcome of my life and who I am would be completely different to the way they are now, even if just one little thing were to change.
I could always pick a painful memory to remove from my history, but those lessons and painful experiences in my past have made me the person I am, even though I can't always see the reason why they happened, they changed me.

When I was tagged to do this blog post, I started thinking that maybe, If i could go back in time and change something. I would simply hand my younger self a letter of advice instead of trying to stop a particular incident from happening.

So, here is my letter of advice/tips to my younger self:

1. It's ok to feel.

In your diary you wrote " If I allowed myself to feel, everything that has happened will catch up with me and i'll drown in a sea of grief and pain".  How can you learn to swim if you're not in the water?  Don't be the grinch, stop denying your emotions, feel them! The longer you deny your emotions the harder it will be to deal with later. It's ok to cry, sometimes that's the best way to heal.  Even someone who seems like the strongest person emotionally, still has moments where they completely break down from grief. It's how you pick yourself up afterwards that matters. Always get back up again. 

2. Some things are just out of your control:

Don't dwell on the things that have happened if you can't fix it or change them, just stop. You'll save yourself a lot of anxiety, stress and sadness. Accept that they happened and focus on how you can improve yourself. Mistakes are part of life, and everyone makes them, they're how you learn.

3. Say what you're thinking, go on, do it!

Stop thinking about how you will be perceived and what people will think of you. Speak your mind, stand up for yourself and the things you believe in. Confront the people that have done you wrong, accept no shit! Don't be so easily defined.

4. Talk to someone, ask for help. 

Stubborn as rock, you never ask for help or tell anyone what your going through. Honestly, how much heart-ache can you have save yourself if you just tell someone. You're too afraid of getting judged or accused of being a lying attention seeker. Even though not everyone will believe you, someone will. Best to share these things, you could save yourself a lot of pain and anxiety down the track.

5. Someones inability to see your worth, does NOT mean you are worthless.

You're all you have, don't give up on yourself so easily. Life is hard, but there are so many beautiful moments that are worth staying alive for.  Just because some people can't see how worthy you are or treat you as you should be treated. That is not a reflection on who you are, it is a reflection on who they are. Ugly hearts do ugly things.

6. Ditch the toxic relationships

You know when you are compromising your morals and doing things you promised yourself would never do. If they were your real friends, they wouldn't ask you to compromise who you are. Even if you can't see now how toxic these relationships are, look at the person you have become, are you proud?

7. You can't have everything perfectly planned out and thats ok. 

You don't know who you are or what you want to be and that's ok. You don't need to, you have plenty of time to figure that out. Just follow something you love doing and if that doesn't work out, follow something else.  You are capable of doing anything you want if you set your mind to it. There is no blue-print to how you live your life. Not everything will always be perfect or go to plan.  It's also ok to do some things simply because you love and enjoy them.

8.Don't wish away your childhood and youth wishing you were older
Be a kid! Stop trying to grow up and act mature, it's not all it's cracked up to be.

9. Dont believe everything you think.
Your mind can be your own worst enemy. Don't believe every thought that comes into your head, the majority of them are complete lies.

10. Live your life, have fun, enjoy the small moments.

Stop worrying about how you'll look to the people around you.  You only have one life, don't live it fearing what other people will think of you. Have fun! Live a little. You will be filled with more regret from the things you didn't do, than the things you did.  Sometimes it's perfectly fine to look like a complete idiot when you're having fun.

There are so many more things I would tell my younger self if it were possible.  I read a quote on Tumblr the other day that said "Be the person you needed when you were younger"  that really spoke to me.  Even though it's not possible for us to go back in time and talk to our younger selves,  we can still try to help and be there for the younger generations.

Infinite x's and o's


Thursday, 4 September 2014

1 minute Nutella brownie

Loved by many, hated by few. If you are one of those very few, then well... I don't really know what to say to you.
My Nutella obsession pretty much stems back from childhood. I used to look forward to the days when I would get a treat in my lunchbox in the form of a nutella white bread, with the crusts cut off sandwich, ahhhh those were the days. It was either that or rainbow sprinkles.

I made this quick and easy nutella brownie in a mug, which literally only takes one minute in the microwave and tastes AMAZEBALLS.
If you want to know how to make it, watch my tutorial below and prepare for a party in your mouth.

Hope you're all having an excellent day,

Infinite x's and o's,


Sunday, 31 August 2014

My week in photos #3

Workers boots
Sunset on the bridge
Our house that we are currently renovating has amazing detailing on the roof. 

A hidden gem between all the rubble 
The wallpaper in the hallway

Tried being artsy with my reflection in the window (before I had to clean it) 
Path to a park next door


Hope you're all having an excellent week!

Infinite x's and o's,

Wednesday, 20 August 2014

Anxiety & Panic attacks

This is a bit of a different and quite personal blog post but I've been asked a lot lately about anxiety and what exactly is a panic attack, so I thought I would write about it.
Especially seeing as though unfortunately, a lot of people suffer with anxiety and panic attacks or at least know someone that does. Hopefully this will help someone feel a little bit more normal. (whatever that is)

The other day I mentioned that I had anxiety to one of my friends and they didn't believe me. "but you're so confident all the time! You don't have anxiety!"
I feel like a lot of friends and family who read this will probably think the same. My Anxiety is different to others because we aren't all the same and some hide it better. I guess that means I'm a pretty good hider.
I think at one point or another, everyone has experienced some form of anxiety, even if only relatively small. Such as stage fright, driving in heavy city traffic or stressing over an un-finished assignment.

To give you an idea of how my anxiety started i'll give you a little bit of background. When I was about fourteen years old in high-school, I went to the school shrink. I won't tell the whole tragic high-school back-story but I was forced to go. Basically to make the school principal feel better because he was doing nothing to prevent the bullies from continuing their daily ritual of torture. Mrs. *insert very long intimidating Russian last name here* told me I had an anxiety disorder even though I was never actually diagnosed with it.

After leaving high school, I never saw another psychiatrist about what I had just been through because the whole drama had completely changed my mind about them. So I buried my little emotional baggage in the "too hard & I'll deal with it later" basket.

Slowly the "too hard & I'll deal with it later" basket was filled with more emotionally damaging things until... eventually it over-flowed...

And Bam. I died.

Just kidding, although it felt like I was. I had never experienced a panic attack before and for those who don't know what a panic attack is, It is basically a point which your body is preparing you for "fight" or "flight" and releases adrenaline. Which causes your heart to beat extremely fast. It can feel like the entire room is caving in, sounds and noises are heightened, you get hot/cold flushes, your body starts to shake, you start feeling very nauseous and you can feel extremely light-headed.

If you've ever had a really bad dream where for instance this manic clown is chasing you with a chainsaw and you quickly wake up and have to catch your breath before you realise it's a dream. That huge rush of adrenaline and fear. That's pretty much what a panic attack feels like. It can hit you at any time too, most often then not you won't be doing anything that would normally cause anxiety. Most panic attacks last anywhere from 5-30 minutes, for some it can last a lot longer if they have more than one panic attack continually.

The funny thing is, no one can really tell when you're having an attack, It's a completely internal thing. When observing someone having an attack they can look completely fine, but internally they feel like they're dying. As long as someone doesn't try to talk to them, it might go completely un-noticed.

It's not as easy as "Just don't think about it, you'll be fine" I get that expression said to me a lot. It's not your choice and you have absolutely no control where, when or if you have a panic attack. If it was, I definitely wouldn't choose to have an attack, can't just think "oh yep, sorry panic attack.. you're just going to have to wait or see you never bye". I wish!

Another I guess I would call it a side-affect that comes with anxiety is that your self-esteem is pretty all over the place. I still sometimes think that people are judging me, that I've said something to offend someone if they haven't replied to my message within half an hour. That all my friends have secret meetings where they just talk about how super weird and annoying I am. You start to think that by being the way you are, you're a total downer and are ruining the people's lives around you. Realise though that these thoughts are not the truth!

Countless times I have turned down events and get-together's that I actually really wanted to go to simply because I'm so afraid I'll get a panic attack and get judged by those around me. I knew that I wouldn't be able to control whether or not I had a panic attack. After a while my friends just stopped asking me out because they knew I would come up with some excuse.

 the first time I had an attack would have been when I was around sixteen. I was just sitting in class doing absolutely nothing that would have caused anxiety. At first it felt like I wasn't in the room, like my head was somewhere else. My heart started beating rapidly, I lost all colour in my face and I found it a struggle to breathe. My teacher was ready to call the ambulance, but he must have known what was wrong at some point. 

He walked me outside on the balcony, sat me on a chair by-myself and told everyone to stop looking at me and go back inside. He then handed me an orange (I'm guessing to get my blood sugar levels up) then walked back inside and on his way said "You can stay out here as long as you want, if you need me to call the ambulance or you parents just say the word."
Nicest teacher out. He didn't make me feel like a total freak, but to be honest I had no idea what was going on. In my mind I was dying and my teacher just handed me an orange. Goodbye cruel world!

I definitely am a lot better than I used to be.  I can walk up to someone and introduce myself, go to a party If I know one of my friends or family will be there, hand my resume to a manager at a store, look a stranger in the eyes and smile back and talk to someone while waiting in line. I still get that under-lying tinge of anxiety sure, but I've learnt to push through it instead of trying to completely stop it.

So, how do I deal with panic attacks & what helps me to calm back down?

When I'm actually having a panic attack, which doesn't happen as often as it used to.
 I find a few things can calm me down.
If you witness or are around someone when they are having a panic attack don't try to distract them with music or pointless questions, it doesn't work.
Every effort the person suffering from the attack has is basically focused on trying not to die, breathing and calming down. Not answering questions or repeating the alphabet backwards.

What works for me is removing myself from the situation, so if where I am is indoors, I will go outside away from loud noises and people, sit down in silence and focus on breathing. If my friends are with me we'll just sit silently for a bit and pretty quickly all is good again.

Another tactic I have developed to reduce the chances of having an attack is to get as many details about the place or people I will be with as I can. For instance If I'm going to a concert or something of that nature. I learn where all the exits are incase I need to escape outside if I have an attack suddenly, also where the bathrooms are and where security is.

I think everyone with anxiety has their own ways of coping and trying to prevent panic attacks, so do whatever works for you, as long as it's not self harming or unhealthy. I think the best advice I could say is baby steps. Anxiety doesn't stop over-night and you'll get to a point where it's not even a concern for you any-more, but to get to that place is a constant battle. So don't stop fighting.

If you don't have anxiety and are wondering what to do if someone around you does have an attack here are some of the things you should and should not do:

-Don't try to distract them by asking questions, your presence and silence is probably the best thing you can do.
-Do not try to force them out of the panic attack or get angry, it makes the person feel useless.
-Let them recover in their own time
-Don't start making assumptions about why they are panicking or how easily it is to snap out of it  because your cousins sisters daughters friend once had anxiety and did. Not so helpful.
-Do find a positive goal to focus on such as this person made it to the front stairs of the cinema, even though they didn't go in they still got half way, which is something that should not be discouraged.
-Remember that this person didn't choose to be the way they are, they're not purposely causing an attack just to annoy you, don't get angry or tell them how disappointed you are.
-Things not to say when a person is having a panic attack: "Just get over it" "You can fight it, don't let it win." "Stop being ridiculous!" "Why are you panicking you didn't even do anything". "There are worse things out there in life than panic attacks!" "you're not having a panic attack, its just nerves"

Instead just let the person know you are there for them and will not try and force them to do anything. Encourage them that they tried and remind them they will be fine again after 20 minutes.
A good idea is to have a code-word, so the person who has anxiety can subtly mention it in conversation when they feel they are about to or are having a panic attack.  
Often times after a person has recovered from a panic attack, their self-esteem is pretty much non-existent. They can feel ashamed, annoyed, depressed and fairly low at themselves. Encouragement and reassurance is probably the best thing you can do to a person who just had an attack.

Hopefully this post gave you a bit of insight or helped in some way.
If you are suffering from panic attacks, just remember that you are not alone and it's nothing to be ashamed of. You will eventually recover from it, never stop battling and taking those baby steps. It will not happen over-night and it's perfectly ok to put your health first.
Please don't lock yourself at home and think you can't live your life normally with anxiety and panic attacks. Keep trying.

Infinite x's and o's,


My month in photos

I haven't done a "my week in photos" post in quiet a while because I honestly haven't had the time to take a lot of photos, either that or my week was really boring and I figured no one really wanted to see photos of what I ate for dinner every day! So, to make things a little more interesting I decided to do a "my month in photos" from a combination of my posts on instagram and other modes of photography (is that the right expression) Here we go!:

For a few days the moon was full and absolutely stunning.

I got a little Arty...

Decided to wear my motorbike jacket out (the fact that I don't have a motorbike yet is irrelevant) 

Things got a little weird when I decided to comic-book myself with makeup one night. Which was the result of boredom, procrastination and running on energy drinks.

Finishing an 18 page assignment with very little sleep, Ps: don't try this at home kids.

Gorgeous sunset, (ps: no I wasn't driving, you can calm) 

Something about these jellybeans brings back a flood of childhood memories. I still remember the day my doctor didn't offer my a jellybean after I'd gone to see him, it was a very sad day, my childhood was over.

I got a little too excited and over-estimated how many brownies I actually needed to make one day, but honestly, can one have too many brownies? I think not!
Found a weirdo in my mirror

For whatever reason, my best friend Lisa and I couldn't breathe laughing at her impression of a hillbilly playing a guitar while we were waiting in my car, which resulted in foggy windows and drawing. We had a little too much sugar that night.... 

The same night we went to watch Lucy (very odd movie) and the cinema was empty! (we had fun ;) )

Pizza night! 

After the sad death of Robin Williams, my friends and I decided to watch Aladdin as a tribute. (the beginning of any disney movie always makes me a little nostalgic) 

Sunday drinks with a friend! Not just Smirnoff...

Got a little arty once again.. With new watercolour pencils.

So there it is, my month in photos!

Hope you're having a great week and month so far,

Infinite x's and o's,